A Brief Parlor Comedy with Divine and Terrifying Beings
by The Carnivorous Muffin
Summary: Kurama, the Kyuubi no Kitsune, has his first impression of Eru Lee and concludes that humans are not only idiots but also great fools. Lee also sticks her foot into her mouth slightly more than she normally does in any given conversation. Side fic to "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds"


**Author's Note: To those about to read this I offer the warning that this is a side fic to "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds", if you haven't read that first this will be somewhat confusing and weird. I'm also going to go ahead and say this is NOT CANON, just because I also want to deal with the whole jinchuuriki issue in the main story and not brush over its introduction in a side fic.**

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The first time Kurama saw the girl, through the eyes of his techy jailor Uzumaki Mito, they recognized each other instantly. Humans, as always, were like stupid ignorant mayflies that lived blind, deaf, and dumb in their precious little world believing they had mastered the means of recognizing true power.

They had conquered the bijuu, so they believed, they had created villages and spent their lives mastering chakra and they believed this made them powerful. It was enough to capture him and his brothers, for the moment, but Kurama was old and powerful and he was beginning to learn patience.

He had eternity, one day his jailor would falter, she was already on the brink of death and although she planned on passing her prisoner to a successor that girl might also falter one day. One day, Kurama was going to have himself a very good day, and all he had to do was wait for it.

But that was beside the point, when Uzumaki Mito met the green eyes of the child she only felt slightly unnerved but failed to recognize her. Kurama was not half so blind as that.

(It was known, among the ancient bijuu, that there was power older than chakra in the universe and that the world had not begun with the Sage of the Six Paths. And though he had never witnessed it himself he knew it when it stared him in the face wearing the guise of a child much the way he wore the guise of a fox.)

In that still living room, with tea in her hand, everything seemed to turn towards her and fall into her unconsciously as if she was the sun that they all orbited. Her eyes contained universes within them all blooming and dying within the span of a single second. Her very presence was enough to startle him awake from slumber and force him to watch her. And not even Senju Hashirama, the shodaime himself, seemed to notice.

"Lee, this is my aunt and shishou Uzumaki Mito… I guess you've met the shodaime already… Everyone, this is Lee." The girl, Kushina, said gesturing to his jailer and the red headed girl, wearing the name Lee like an ill-fitting scarf, in turn.

Lee said nothing for a few moments just blinked, staring at Mito, through Mito directly to him and meeting his stare without hesitation. Finally, she said with a bright and cheery grin that was too young for her features, "…Congratulations, it's… a giant fox."

A tense wary fear from his jailor, from her husband, but the apprentice seemed oblivious and mostly confused, "Um, what, Lee? Mito-shishou isn't a giant fox…"

"Oh, no, I… She's just, well, the baby is…" Lee trailed off and then leaned to the apprentice, her eyes darting between the first hokage and his wife, "Is she not supposed to be pregnant with a giant fox?"

"What?" The apprentice screamed, her head whipping over towards her shishou and then back to Lee before screaming, "Aunt Mito isn't pregnant with a giant fox!"

"Well… she is now." The girl said before forcing a bright and cheery grin onto her face, "Not that there's anything wrong with having a giant fox for a child, shodaime-sama, I'm sure he'll be the best clan heir ever… As a giant fox."

As the strongest of his brothers Kurama felt he already was clan heir, of a kind, and felt that he had been doing a more or less spectacular job before he'd been captured by the goddamn ninja.

The girl suddenly became wide eyed and gave Mito (him) another piercing look before asking, "The father, it isn't… It wouldn't happen to be that giant chakra fox that Madara used to almost destroy the village… Would it?"

"No, no, it wasn't… Ah… Mito didn't have an affair with the Kyuubi, Lee-chan." The shodaime spluttered looking extremely uncomfortable and far from anything that could be called God of Shinobi.

"…Are you sure? You were dead a long time." The girl asked, her eyebrows raised as she continued to look directly at Mito. Mito, for her own part, was at a complete loss of what to say when someone was seriously suggesting she had sexual intercourse with the nine tailed demon fox.

Kurama, had he been free and in a similar conversation, would have been just as wordlessly insulted had some upstart kit started asking if he went around having sex with humans.

"Yes, Lee-chan, I am very very sure."

The girl said nothing, pursued her lips, and finally said in an almost irritated tone, "And why does no one believe me when I say that reality is a giant genjutsu? I mean, she's having a giant fox baby, you think that would be a sign that somewhere something has gone very off kilter. This makes even less sense than Tora the cat or else zombie armies; it's not even bothering to try anymore!"

It was shortly explained, by a desperate former hokage and his wife, that Uzumaki Mito was not pregnant with a giant fox or impregnated by Kurama himself. It was also shortly explained that Lee was not to tell anyone, even Minato, and then explained to Kushina that soon the fox would be inside of her instead of Uzumaki Mito.

At this point Kurama had more or less tuned them out, having no real interest in Konoha's politics over their bijuu containers, instead he watched the eyes of the girl and noted how she watched back. She was more like him than she was them, and yet that childish face and human form kept them from noticing properly, from seeing the shape and color of her eyes and seeing something like him.

It had never dawned on him to mimic humanity but there was no other word for what she was doing. Even if, by the glow and sharpness of her eyes, and the jagged edge to her smile, she was doing it poorly.

And as he sat there seething in his prison sometimes his mind would turn to her and wonder if one day it would not be him destroying their precious village but instead that girl who wore a human name and face as if it was an elaborate and eccentric costume. Would she stand, tall and proud with eyes glowing and blood dripping down her fingertips, in the fire that consumed her village? Would they recognize her then?

Either way, his eyes met hers, and through the barrier of Uzumaki Mito they noted and marked each other and carefully looked away as if they had never seen each other in the first place.

And he thought, that aside from being stupid monkeys, humans were truly fools because only a fool would invite power like that into his home and hearth and expect to remain unburned.

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 **Author's Note: Because no one ever believes Lee no matter the logical inconsistencies in her universe. Written for the 300th (my god there are so many reviews for this spin off fic it's unreal) review of "Minato Namikaze and the Destroyer of Worlds" by sousie who asked for a fic relating the tailed beast's impression of Eru Lee. So here we are.**

 **Thank you for reading, reviews are appreciated.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Harry Potter**


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